A Letter Home from the (Patriot) Front
The heartfelt tale of Cletus and Martha, a U-Haul filled with neo-Nazis, Chick-Fil-A, and shooting prairie dogs with an AR-15.
On Saturday, 31 members of the neo-Nazi group Patriot Front were arrested in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho. An eagle-eyed citizen noticed a bunch of white guys climbing into the back of a U-Haul truck and called the police. Patriot Front was in Idaho to “disrupt” a pride parade.
About an hour after this news went viral, actor John Ales posted a satirical letter from a member of Patriot Front on Twitter. And we were off to the races.
John’s letter is from a fictional neo-Nazi named Cletus to his wife, Martha:
Dear Martha,
I write to you from the U-haul. My fellow patriots smell unspeakably foul but there is also much hate to go around. Must close now. Someone is knocking on the rear door. Buford went on a search for Chil-Fil-A. Perhaps it is he.
Cletus
(Yes, John may have misspelled “Chick-Fil-A,” probably because he was laughing too much. No matter how you spell it, Chik-AntiLGBTQ-Fillet is still awful.)
What began as a simple note to the beloved wife of a neo-Nazi became something so much bigger. Almost immediately, John’s followers started posting their own letters and adding chapters to the original. I think we may have enough for a book, “A Letter Home from the (Patriot) Front.”
John updated his letter to include the moment Cletus opened the U-Haul’s rear door:
Dear Martha, We have hit a Snafu. ’Twas not Buford. Extremely not. — Cletus
Gamer Woman imagined Cletus’s pappy sending him a most important missive:
Dear Cletus,
This is your daddy. Ya gots some mail here at the house. Looks real important. Says they been tryin ta reach you about your vehicle’s extended warranty. I’ll send it up to the jail for ya long with this’n.
Love always, Pappy Bubba
By now, you all know I cannot resist snark’s siren call. This was my contribution:
Do not weep for me, Martha. Remember the good times we had together, growing up as first cousins. Remember our honeymoon night, shooting prairie dogs with Uncle Toot’s AR-15. Be brave. Donald Trump will pardon us all, and I will be back in your loving embrace soon.
Hamish mused that Martha may have given birth to someone else’s child:
Dear Cletus,
Our 8th son was born today, and I’m pretty sure he’s yours, although your cousin Billy-Bob has been around quite often helping with chores and such in your absence. Good luck fighting for our freedumb, and try not to get any Chick-Fil-A sauce on your khakis. Martha
It goes on and on, each letter funny enough to make you splitcher pants.
You may be asking yourself “Self, why are these daggum libruls laughin’ at the horrible plight of decent neo-Nazi ‘Mericans who were cruelly arrested in what’s supposed to be a safe space for us folk?” Well, Jerney-Taylar, because we CAN. Because neo-Nazis getting yanked out of a U-Haul in a city that’s a hotbed of white nationalism is karma on steroids. Because watching each Patriot Front member being unmasked like a Scooby-Doo villain was hilarious.
Cletus and Martha will be separated for a bit, but Martha has cousin Billy Bob to help with the baby. Do not fret for Martha, gentle folk. She’s still got Uncle Toot’s AR-15 in case those prairie dogs come back.
