Satire
A Letter to America From George Santos
Thomas Jefferson said, “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.”
Dear America,
My name is ̶A̶n̶t̶h̶o̶n̶y̶ ̶Z̶a̶b̶r̶o̶v̶s̶k̶i̶ George Santos and I am a United States congressman. It has been my dream since I was a little boy growing up on a tobacco farm in Battle Creek, Michigan, to be a United States congressman. ̶O̶r̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶O̶l̶y̶m̶p̶i̶c̶ ̶v̶o̶l̶l̶e̶y̶b̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶e̶r̶.̶
As a child, my father would take me fishing on Lake Superior every weekend. One Saturday, as we sat in the canoe, I hooked a great white shark. I was terrified, but my dad said “Jimmy, that shark deserves to live. Let’s take the hook out of his mouth.” I laid my small hand on the shark’s head and he calmed right down. Daddy reached in and gently removed the hook. Just like George Washington did when he hooked a shark on the Potomac.
Life in the projects of Battle Creek was hard, especially for a little gay Mexican kid. I was bullied every day by the boy’s golf team, but I didn’t let that stop me. Every night I would look at myself in the mirror and say “Greg, you’re a gay Christian Jewish Mexican, and you are going to do great things.”
And now, here I am. Yes, I fudged some facts on my resume, but who hasn’t? How am I expected to know where all my campaign money goes? Why is Brazil mad at me? I’ve never even been to Brazil.
Democrats hate me because I’m a gay Christian Jewish Mexican whose entire family was killed ̶d̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶ ̶t̶e̶r̶r̶o̶r̶i̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶7̶/̶1̶1̶ on 9/11. I am a patriot. I served ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶i̶n̶e̶s̶ ̶d̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶V̶i̶e̶t̶n̶a̶m̶ ̶I̶ ̶s̶e̶r̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶A̶r̶m̶y̶ ̶d̶u̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶D̶e̶s̶e̶r̶t̶ ̶S̶t̶o̶r̶m̶ as a liaison between a guy named Jose and his girlfriend during an argument about houseplants. I was born to be a Republican politician.
America, as a gay Christian Jewish Mexican man who medaled in volleyball at Harvard, I want you to know I am honored to be a United States congressman. Don’t let the liberal cabal convince you otherwise. I love being a congressman. I get free healthcare and free parking, and I am bringing back sweater vests.
Thank you for your continued support, and I hope you can contribute to my ̶G̶o̶ ̶F̶u̶n̶d̶ ̶M̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶l̶e̶g̶a̶l̶ ̶b̶i̶l̶l̶s̶ campaign. Fighting against the Democrat lies is expensive, and with the price of gas going up every day, it’s hard to fill up the Jag. God bless you, and God bless the United States of ̶A̶r̶m̶e̶n̶i̶a̶ America.
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