Mental Health
Depression and Loneliness: A Vicious Circle
It never ends.
I am lonely. Loneliness exacerbates my depression, which causes me to self-isolate, making me more lonely. This is my vicious circle.
I have no friends. That’s not an exaggeration, I don’t have any friends. I don’t get calls to “do lunch” or go shopping with the girls. I sit at home most of the day watching Amazon or YouTube. Sometimes I read if I have the energy.
My loneliness is palatable, tangible. It surrounds me like a dense fog. My husband and I rarely do anything, unless my dad invites us to dinner. We went to a Van Gogh exhibit at the Minneapolis Institute of Art earlier this month, and that will probably be our only event of the year.
The loneliness and depression also cause me to eat crap late at night because I have insomnia. So the size 4 petite pretty lady has become a size 12–14 homely older woman with a huge stomach and a double chin. I would exercise, but there’s no room in our tiny house for my favorite exercise machine-an elliptical. I love to walk, and I do most days. A whopping mile-and-a-half around the neighborhood.
I’ve suggested that we go up north, maybe rent a cabin, and hike and canoe. The idea is not received well. There’s the dog (how do you canoe with a dog?), the cost, the responsibilities we have here, lots of reasons. We don’t take vacations anymore.
I’m trapped in a 1,600-square-foot house in a conservative neighborhood with no friends and no escape. My depression never goes away now, it ebbs and flows like an ocean of tears. And it sucks.
I have no clue why I wrote this on Medium, given that less than 20 people will read it. Maybe I just had to get it out somewhere. Maybe knowing how few people will read this is my way of sabotaging my own mental health. Or maybe those 20 people make me feel a little less lonely.
