Five Steps To Improve Your Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is an integral part of being a healthy human. Accepting yourself, loving yourself, taking care of yourself-these are all tied to your self-esteem. If you struggle to do any of those things, this essay might help.
I often joke that I can fit my self-esteem in a thimble. And that used to be true. For many years, I hated who I was, what I looked like, I hated my mental health issues, I hated being a trauma survivor, I hated me. Eventually, after therapy and more therapy and even more therapy, I learned to be kind to myself, and in turn, became kinder towards others.
Step one: Hug yourself. Just wrap your arms around your body, and stay in that position for at least a minute. If this is the first time you’ve ever tried to hug yourself, it might feel strange. You may struggle to do it. You may give up. It’s hard, after years, sometimes decades, of self-loathing, to perform an act as simple as hugging your own body. Keep trying. Eventually, the tentative squeeze that lasts a few seconds will turn into an actual hug.
Step two: The mirror. The mirror can be terrifying for people with low self-esteem, especially if your feelings are linked to how you see your face and body. Stand in front of a mirror with your eyes closed. Take a deep breath in, and as you exhale, open your eyes. Look at your face. Look at the color of your eyes. Look at the way your mouth moves when you smile. Do you have wrinkles? Those are proof that you have laughed and cried and lived. Freckles? Darling, those are so in right now, people are drawing them on their cheeks and noses. Look at your body. Is it perfect? Probably not. But it’s powerful, and it loves to walk and dance and maybe it’s survived some stuff and maybe it’s a little scarred and you might have cellulite or a tummy that’s a bit bigger than it used to be, and all of that is okay.
Step three: Self-validation. It feels amazing when other people tell us how much they like us, how much they like what we do. Pats on the back, glowing reviews, positive comments on an employee evaluation, even gaining followers on social media, make us feel special and loved. We have the ability to make ourselves feel loved through self-validation. The easiest way to validate yourself is to start small. If you live with chronic depression, for example, and you wake up one morning with that black dog sitting on your chest, get out of bed. Make the bed. Huge. Seriously, that is a huge thing you just accomplished. Recognize how strong you are. Say it out loud-”I’m a badass warrior.” Baby steps, but I promise you, if you find a way to validate yourself every day, it will become a habit.
Step four: Self-care. One of the key components of low self-esteem is believing you do not deserve love, even from yourself. Self-care doesn’t have to be a $400 spa day. It can be as simple as a face mask, or a doing your nails, or sloughing all the winter skin from your feet. Listen to music or watch videos, go outside for a walk and really see nature. Stop and literally smell the roses and the peonies and listen to the wind in the trees. Wear perfume that lifts your spirits or calms your mind. Light a candle. Drink a cup of chamomile tea. You deserve love, and you deserve moments to take care of every part of your body and mind.
Step five: You are more than the things you have survived. Odds are, if you have low self-esteem, there’s a reason. As my therapist used to say, “You’ve been through some shit.” But are you the shit you’ve been through? Is that your identity? No. You are not your trauma, trauma is what happened to you. You’re still here, you took back all your power, and you are amazing. When you look in the mirror, when you hug yourself, when you validate yourself, when you slather on that face mask, you’re bringing all the pieces together and you are strong and deserving of love and care and joy.
These are the five steps I use to remind myself I deserve happiness and love and kindness. These are the things I do every day to boost my self-esteem. I hope at least some of them can help you.
