Aging
Five Ways Women Know We’re Getting Older
This is a somewhat humorous piece based on my own recent experiences.
2 min readNov 12, 2022
We all get older. All the plastic surgery, exercise, supplements, special water, tonics and potions cannot stop time. And I’ve discovered five ways women know we’re getting older.
- You begin driving like the people you yelled at in your twenties. Instead of zipping into the left lane on the freeway and driving 80 MPH, you now stay either in the middle lane and drive 60, or you putter along in the right lane staying at the speed limit. And that’s okay. All those drivers flipping you the bird are really telling you you’re number one!
- If your spouse/partner is a man, you no longer sleep in the same bed because, by 3 AM, you have kicked all the covers onto the floor even though it’s the dead of winter. In the summer, you sleep in the freezer.
- While on a brisk winter walk, you begin removing all your outerwear. By the time you arrive home, you’re wearing a hat, a long-sleeve tee shirt, pants, and shoes. Once home, you change into a pair of shorts and a tank top.
- You find yourself Googling “niacinamide,” “retinol,” and “how to hide a double chin with makeup.” You watch YouTube videos that tell you how to dress for your age as you sit in a pair of flannel pajama pants and a Ramones shirt.
- It takes an hour to gain five pounds, and three years to take it off. Just looking at a piece of cake adds an inch to your thighs. Thinking about Christmas cookies causes your cholesterol to rise. You look up “how many calories do you burn in half an hour on an elliptical” and cry when you learn the answer. You realize it might be better to simply embrace your new Reubenesque figure and begin shopping on Etsy for batwing capes and bougie muumuus.
I don’t mind getting older or even looking older. I do mind the hot flashes and the weight gain and all the people telling me that looking my age is something to be avoided like the plague.
And I’m old enough to remember the plague.
